How Come Dorothy Doesn't Finish Last?

I recently got stuck in a waiting room reading the only magazine with intact covers. The September 22, 2008 issue of Computerworld might seem to have little to do with this blog, The article by Virginia Robbins seemed to have little to do with computers either, which is probably why it caught my eye.

Nice Folks Really Do Finish First was about analyzing what it is about nice people who are successful versus nice people who do not experience success in work environments. Ms. Robbins suggests that being nice or kind is an asset in any environment as long as no one believes it will replace competence. In other words it is nice to remember co-workers birthdays with a card, but if you don't meet deadlines or pull your share of the load, nice won't cut it. Nice requires being able to contribute, but it also requires some toughness, especially if in a supervisory position. Being nice and avoiding necessary criticism or disciplinary actions because someone doesn't like conflict or confrontation only makes you unproductive.

The author writes about an acquaintance who guages her niceness by the tone of the other person's voice. If the other person sounds rushed, she is concise and brief so as not to slow them down or if terseness isn't required, she takes a few minutes to share a laugh or ask them how they are. At meetings, she observes expressions and then follows up with anyone who seems puzzled or concerned to make sure they understood the content and to get their input. As the person in charge she has learned to say, "No", without being short which adds a quality of anger on dislike to the receiver of the message. When she has to give a negative response, she is firm but polite and considerate and finds she gets more understanding regarding the reason and little to no back biting as a result.

I think what Ms. Robbin's friend has discovered is what Dorothy embodied. No matter what the situation, if people are noticed with kindness and acknowledged for contributions even when small, the reward in response and effort on the part of others is exponentially greater. The friend apparently learned this in an emergency visit to a hospital where her care seemed caught up in a strict bureaucracy and she was getting no response to her issue. She made up her mind to be kind to everyone she encountered, She thanked or complimented everyone from the intake nurse to the orderly and the doctor. As a result, everyone knew her name and her visitors were permitted to stay after hours, and her comfort was checked on even without the help of her call bell. Did this make her insincere? No, her compliments and comments carried weight because they were honest and heartfelt. The author's friend simply developed a way of looking for what was worth noticing and worthy of recognition in everyone around her.

Isn't that what Dorothy does? She sees the hope and promise in her companions and as a result they risk personal harm to help her achieve her goal.

Perhaps this is a skill we as social workers can embrace as well? Often we, in our own sense of being unappreciated or over looked, fail to acknowledge what it right with the people we work with.

This can include clients as well as coworkers and may help prove that no act of kindness is ever wasted.

"I am Dorothy, the meek and mild."

So says Dorothy when she meets the Wizard and he demands an explantion of who she is and why she requires his assistance. Meek and mild certainly seem to be Dorothy's impression of her self at the outset of

The Wizard of Oz but as she encounters the obstacles provided by the witch, her demeanor changes so that by the next encounter with the Wizard she stands up to him for frightening her friends and chastizes him, "Shame on you for scaring people who have come to you for help," when the lion faints from fear.

Have you ever considered if you have a survivor personality or disposition? When I read about the Donner party, I remember thinking I would survive that, but later on after going through some upsetting issues in my life as an adult I looked back and thought, "No, I would have probably been eaten as an appetizer and been one of the first to die."

In the June 9, 2008 issue of Time magazine there is an article regarding who survives disaster and who does not. The interesting thing is that so called normal behavior is no predictor of survival as a disaster situation creates a totally different response in people than what might be considered the norm for them. The author, Amanda Ripley provides 5 characteristics you can incorporate to improve your "disaster" personality. These steps involve making ourselves more consciously resilient in not only surviving the immediate disaster by the immediate fall out as well.

1. events can be impacted on by people-specifically themselves

good and bad events in life can hold meaningful purpose

events -good or bad-provide opportunities to learn

2. even a small amount of accurate information can be helpful in finding the means to elicit a survival response

3. coping with fear and anxiety can help prevent over reaction to a situation and thus panic and choosing bad responses

4. Physical fitness helps improve mental and emotional responses to disasters of any kind

5.anticipating potential disasters and practicing for them can help create what soon becomes an "automatic" response to threat as exemplified in teaching children to Stop-Drop-Roll should their clothing catch fire

In the end no one saved Dorothy or her companions in the face of threat and disaster, they saved themselves through a combination of heart, brains, courage, and friendship.

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!
I am the great and powerful Wizard of Oz!

If it hadn't been for Toto pulling the curtain, Doroithy and her companions might have continued to believe and taken advice from a giant firery head who spoke in a thunderous voice. Admittedly sometimes there is a tendency to believe whoever is the loudest is the "rightest" and this kind of thinking can take over in times of panic, but it is especially wise to consider the source of information especially in times of pre or post disaster.

Heading off misinformation can be helpful and can be done by anticipating some of the potential specific hazards and problems prior to an event and being prepared. This includes stocking up on necessities and having valuable paperwork in a safe, accessible place. Setting up a chain of communication with people in your support network is also a good idea making sure everyone has all current contact information. Maintaining care of oneself especially being adequately rested can make one less vulnerable to conjecture and panic related information as well. Such preparation can help as well in minimizing anxiety by acknowledging that you did everything within your power to be prepared to fend off the results of a disaster as was humanly possible.

Perhaps most important is limiting your exposure to graphic and sensationalized news coverage. Tune in to credible sources of news and information and seek out and follow advice from experts. Identify appropriate agencies prior to a disaster and have their contact information accessible to save time. Remember that children and elderly people are often taken advantage of by individuals spreading misinformation deliberately or because of panic. Take steps to prevent the effects of incorrect information on children by reminding them they can check with you should they have questions about any aspect of their situation. Stay in touch with elderly relatives and what they may be doing in response to the situation especially in regard to their finances and repairs their home may require post disaster. Having some prepared distraction ready if possible can be helpful as well in maintaining calm after a personal storm of some kind.

In the end talking and sharing feelings with caring individuals and utilizing your sense of humor can help make you less disposed to baseless , misinformation that can result when paniced people fill in gaps and lapses in accurate knowledge in an attempt to feel some sense of control.

Follow the yellow brick road. Follow the yellow brick road. Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the yellow brick road...........

Dorothy's path is well mapped visually for her and one would think the journey's end was guaranteed, but no one could predict poppies, humbugs, and of course winged monkeys.

Often when people hit a roadblock or detour, we as onlookers throw up our hands because the solution is so obvious. What we don't take into consideration is the emotional support that is required to successfully stay the course. Dorothy, having left her family behind in Kansas, might have traveled solo were it not for the new family she created along the way. Often in the face of disaster natural or otherwise, we are confronted with the realization that we don't have supportive or perfect families. Times of hardship can make make this personal deficit glaringly clear and add to that sense of emotional disarray we encounter. Often too, supportive family members exist but may not be available for what ever reason. In either instance,people can, as Dorothy did, create new "family" by finding support in those around them. The Scarecrow, Tinman and Lion were not perfect by any means but they offered support as best they could to help Dorothy realize her dream of home. This new family did not speak a language of loss or blame, but rather one of hope and encouragement. This language fueled the journey forward when the going got tough. Often people mistake the langauge of mutual hurt as an indication of real connection and it may be sufficient to draw people together, but until the language takes on a supportive tone that promotes moving in a forward direction, it is a hindrance not a help. Interestingly enough, when the language spoken in any family, genuine or created -as- needed, is one of hope and support everyone benefits from the association. Families of disfunction whose hallmark is this blame and loss based language seldom enjoy any benefit from drawing close when they face tough times.

No one gets in to see the Wizard!
Not no one!
Not no how!

Imagine the disorientation that occurs when the physical landscape in which you operated is obliterated along with all the landmarks that you used to guide yourself by. Imagine seeing no one you recognize as a person of authority or knowledge to assist you in acquiring basic needs or information in the new landscape created by being a refugee. On top of possibly losing your home and your community, imagine being faced with long lines and rows of tables staffed with hurridly trained people who lack the equipment to process the information you have or who have no means with which to track down answers to replace the information you don't have. What can it be like to put your faith in someone who is angry or impatient or worn out to handle your paperwork to get you in the system to begin to rebuild your life.
Some of these issues can be dealt with by better planning. Agencies, especially in disaster prone areas should have disaster training for staff and a disaster situation manager to help head up disaster responses. Agencies in a given area should have a formal plan for leadership and division of labor and should all participate in setting up and evaluating coordinated responses.
In order to respond immediately and effectively staffers should know what the chain of command is and the relationship their agency has with others. When people start or end their shift, there should be some type of meeting to address staffing problems and provide immediate feedback or helpful anectdotes. Workers own needs for rest and support should be recognized and shifts should be limited and regular breaks provided. Staff support should also include some recognition and praise for good effort. Having necessary equipment whether pencils or fax machines can go along way to support staff and the clients they will be serving in stressful situations. Reliable communication between agencies and staff can also help relieve frustration and expedite services and would help keep staff from feeling isolated or out of the loop if precedents change. There should also be the means for staff to support each other when suffering from the stress or the emotional fallout of the situation they are dealing with.

Auntie Em! Auntie Em! I'm here! Auntie Em!

Who can't identify with Dorothy's panic locked in a tower in the Witch's castle with the hour glass sand and her life slipping away before her eyes. She sees and hears her aunt in the crystal ball but can't communicate with her. Dorothy continues to call Auntie Em's name until her image fades into the face and mocking voice of the Wicked Witch repeating, "Auntie Em!" "Auntie Em!"
This puts me in mind of the Cymbalta commercials on T.V. where they show a sad little dog with a leash who is suffering because his owner is depressed and can't get out of bed to take him for a walk. The point is that depression creates people we recognize physically but who can not react in the ways we are familiar with or have come to count on. Imagine how it feels after a disaster of some type when you have lost material possessions, your home, and perhaps have left rapidly to travel to a place, although safe, is unrecognizable to you. On top of that, what if your Mother or Father were no longer the same? Imagine the person who cared for you, who seemed to know everything, who set the rules and boundaries for your life, defined right and wrong and most important made you feel safe, now unable to get out of bed, crying uncontrollably, or sitting silently staring out a window. What if like Dorothy, you felt locked in a scary place, feeling imminently threatened, able to see and hear the person you counted on, but they can't for what ever reason respond appropriately to what you say or need?
Having a loved one suffer with depression and/or emotional break down can be devastating even when you are capable of understanding the nature of the disease and know as well it can take time to get well again. Many of us grasp that depression can be situational as related to the consequences of a natural disaster, understand familial tendencies, and may have seen it as a side effect of substance abuse or physical illness. As adults we can be tuned in to the signs of worsening depression, the effectiveness of medication especially when combined with talk therapy, and the impact of depression on the family in general. Perhaps most important of all we know that depression isn't a disease that is contageous in terms something we "catch" from physical contact. The prior statements are all couched in an adult understanding of what is going on and often the children impacted by a depressed family member are left in the dark as to what is happening in their family and when given no explanation, create answers of their own.
It is not untypical for children to assume responsibility for what has happened. When suffering multiple losses, it is easy for a child to leap to worst possiple conclusions and worry that their loved one is going to die or if they are hospitalized assume they are not coming back. A child who may need to be sent to a relative temporarily may have a sense of banishment. If depression is considered a taboo culturally in the family or conceived as a punishment from a higher spiritual power, the unspoken messages picked up by a child can be even scarier.
I think children are very intuitive in general and when put in a situation where they are craving answers and reassurance, they seem to double their efforts at retreiving information if it isn't forthcoming. In this regard mental health support as a preventitivbe measure in triaging the needs of disaster victims may be critical. Further more, perhaps it could be said that when you treat someone for depression, you treat their family as well. I think this is certainly true of children who are already suffering devastating consequences. Routine theraputic intervention for children who are impacted by depression in their family should be considered valuable just as it a beneficial when a loved one under goes cancer treatment, or treatment substance abuse, or perhaps when a family member is incarcerated. Remembering that children often lack a vocabulary for what they see and feel happening around them, an art or group therapy opportunity might be especially helpful.

Some Personal Insight

Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My!
Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My!
Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My!

When we have experienced any type of disaster especially one that is unexpected and it creates physically, mentally or emotionally the sense of being wiped out, the impact can be the same as when Dorothy got blown to Oz. Imagine being dropped into a situation not of your own making where everything and everyone you knew was altered in someway, and the routine of your life was now a tight rope to be walked instead of the safety net you knew. We never realize until something like this happens just how the ordinary things in our lives function as compass points to help us stay the course. When they are no longer accessible we can feel lost in a strange place with no idea about what direction to take and no faith in our ability to deal with what has happened.
I suppose in a way divorce can be considered a type of natural upset these days if not a disaster, but going back to prior comments on relevance I must confess mine felt like it took on disasterous poportions. The details are not necessary, suffice it to say I had no warning of the degree of my ex-husband's deception and no opportunity to decide when would be best to deal with the fallout. I took an emotional and mental blow that took a toll on my health as well and just like Dorothy and her companions becoming more and more anxious regarding what they might encounter in the dark forest; my thinking also began to escalate on its own; imagining the extremes in my situation and making my anxiety all the worse. This kind of mental leaping is not uncommon especially when someone has experienced a big loss that impacts them across many areas of functioning.

Loss of perspective in addition to no faith in one's ability to direct efforts at recovery seemed to be the over riding concerns for myself at the time. Glinda begins to intervene with Dorothy by asking her, "Are you a good witch or a bad witch?" The answer to that self defining question is what gets Dorothy started down the yellow brick road. By asking a similarly defining question, "What would you like to do in regard to this situation," I realized that by making a choice or exploring options for choices I mattered in the process and that I wasn't going to be buffeted by the situation unless of course that is what I wanted. The initial questions asked at the time also gave me a sense that I could impact the direction of my life in regard to them and that I could protect my daughter from a lot of the emotional fallout. These question and answer type sessions early in my work with the therapist helped to slow down my racing thinking by getting me to focus on answers and not imagined possibilities. It kept me in the present where I could exercise my energy effectively and made me feel competent again to reclaim some of what I had lost in terms of myself esteem and a more accurate picture of who I was.

Like Dorothy who was able to see her heart's desire and then exercise her ability to get home, I was able to see accurately, with the help of my thearpist, that finding and enacting my own answers was the shortest route to get back to the me I recognized as my personal home.